The responsibility of caring for elderly parents can be challenging when you live away from home. Being involved has been extremely challenging for me since my mother currently resides in Puerto Rico and I am in Colorado.
Despite their health challenges, elderly parents who want to continue living on their own may need more than phone calls, texts, and video chats to keep in touch.
In the 12 years since my father passed away, my 79-year-old mother has been living in the house I grew up in with my brother and sister. As time progressed on, she became dependent on a nebulizer multiple times a week for relief and comfort due to chronic COPD. She has become depressed, anxious, isolated, and bitter as a result of this new lifestyle.
As my siblings all have jobs and other responsibilities, it is difficult for them to be there as often as she would like. Even the simplest situations can cause tension, most commonly over responsibility and timing. It is possible that her condition is deteriorating to the point where she is incapable of living alone and does not wish to live with her children. Where do we go from here?
- Tell them you are available to assist them at specific times.
- Supplies such as medications and groceries should be available for them to live comfortably on their own.
- If possible, check in with them frequently by phone, text, or video chat. Even if just for a short time just to say hi and ask how they’re doing.
- You might want to consider gadgets or solutions that can be used in an emergency or to make daily life easier. Having a portable caddy with wheels near the bed at night allows them to avoid getting up in the middle of the night, in the dark. This avoids risking a fall. A meditation kit, an inhaler, breathing equipment, a bible, and a flashlight are inside my mother’s caddy.
- Manage her doctor’s appointments, errands schedule, and updates to her doctor’s visits on a family calendar and chat. Many elderly people have difficulty understanding or remembering what is said to them.
- Discuss the calendar and doctor’s notes with the family and determine who is available to help.
- Be patient. Because of their condition, life changes, or health challenges, the elderly may experience intolerance and frustration.
- Last but not least, let them know you are there and you care. They may perceive themselves to be alone and hopeless, even though it is not true, which can lead them to feel despair and hopelessness. You shouldn’t allow them to mistreat you, so take care of yourself, too.
Taking care of an elderly parent is not an easy task. The burden does not have to be carried solely by one family member, which may lead to burnout, resentment, and conflict within the family.
During that time, we will all need patience, kindness, and gentleness. There is only one life and we should honor the ones who gave us life by sending them on their next journey in peace and comfort.
Due to my distance from my family, I respect and honor those who share the majority of responsibilities. It is our responsibility to assist as much as possible, visit often to take over for a while, and participate in family meetings whenever they are scheduled. This will keep you informed, suggest ideas, and provide support.